Trump Solves Sexual Harassment

trump shrugging

JCwire Washington, D.C.

Donald Trump proffered a solution to the issue of sexual harassment today in a speech to the American Chamber of Commerce in Washington. He responded directly to criticism of his comments from 2013 when he suggested a combination of men and women in the Armed Services carried an inherent risk. “I’ll say it again: What did these geniuses expect when they put men and women together?”

Many have concluded this attitude demonstrated an ignorance of the military, overlooked the fact that half of complainants were men, and contradicted success by co-educational groups in other areas of life. Mr. Trump defended his statement by addressing that risk in the American workplace.

“Look, whether it’s men bothering women, or women bothering women, or men on men, LGBT_Q_WTF, it doesn’t matter! We’re gonna solve this in a civil manner. In my administration, we’re going to rescind all these laws and just have a simple committee, appointed by a company’s Board of Directors. That committee will bring the parties together, let them talk it out, apologies all around. And everyone can get back to work.”

The business-oriented audience applauded frequently. Questions arose about the feasibility of such a system and the reluctance of employees to bring complaints before a management body. One reporter queried, “Objections have been made about military tribunals rather than civilian lawyers in the Armed Forces. Isn’t this the same internal conflict of interest in a business setting?”

“No, no. Listen. This will work. It’s gonna be great. You know why it’s great? Because it’s simple. Direct communication. Misunderstandings all cleared up. Everybody back to work. Productivity increases. This is worth billions in regained productivity in the American economy.”

Asked about allegations against him in his role managing the Miss Universe pageant, the Presidential contender responded, “See? That’s just the kind of misunderstanding that my system will clear up. Two people are having a little fun and everything gets blown out of proportion. In my system, the individuals will have a chance to talk everything out, clear the air, and get back to business. And that’s what I’m about: American business.”

One CEO noted that Trump’s after-the-fact solution did nothing to deter unwanted advances in the workplace. The nominee shrugged his shoulders and said, “It’s human nature. Boys will be boys!”

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